Ruth: People Worry...What are you worrying about today...

Ha ha. As I write this I'm singing the Violent Femmes song in my head, kind of tongue in cheek.

First off...I got my big fat bloody period on Christmas eve...well, that saved a pregnancy test I guess. Sorry to be so slack in posting about it.

I had already kind've crumpled in a heap and was starting to think my inability to get pregnant was just another symptom of all the failure that doggone dogs me my whole life...whew, sitting in a smelly muddy ditch that I'd dug for myself in the rain ...that's what I was doing and I took a few days to wallow in it.

y'know Christmas is alway crazy busy for me. I'm always exhausted from work and this time I was really limping to the finish line and then..bam...what do you know? It's time to scrabble for tape and scissors? Where the hell are they when I need them. In fact, our house was such a shambles finding anything was a miracle. And then running to the car and trying to wrap the present while we were driving because we are already late. That's how my life felt in 2006...feeling like I should be where I'm going now yesterday and I should have bought a Phoenix organic ginger beer to the party but I'm walking in with a bottle of Coke and feeling stink about it.

Well, I'm going to do 2007 differently!
I'm going to rest.
I'm going to take on less responsibility.
I'm going to prioritize what I think of me over what other people might be thinking of me.
I'm going to say no! Wakarimashita? La computadora diseke non! Hunh!
I'm going to get preggers! Oh yes... (knowing nod like in Wayne's world)

We've had a great holiday so far. Went camping for 2 days to try out our tent in preparation for the peace festival next week. True kiwi bliss. Going out to squat in a corner of grass and pee in the middle of the night I looked up at the stars and started feeling more like a rabbit or a fox terrier than a human being, and it felt good.

There was a swingbridge made of wire and mesh - the largest swingbrige of it's type in NZ, suspended over a river gorge that seemed hundreds of metres below. Going across it was quite an effort in mind over matter and anxiety control...and then a huge buzz.

Now we're home and life is good. I finally made a doctor's appointment. I've been feeling sick and run down and exhausted since late October and have just put it down to work stress but I had another relapse into the nausea, spinal pain and fit of dry retching debacle and thought to myself - this is not normal. As I was lying on the couch feeling thirsty but also feeling too bone tired to pick up the glass of water and drink some I thought - isn't it kind of extreme to feel this tired.

My appointment isn't till tomorrow afternoon. I couldn't bear the craziness so I rang Healthline and talked to the nurse. She agreed that my symptoms could indicate ectopic pregnancy or a gastro infection or stress or diabetes and that I should definitely get it checked out.

I decided to write out a list of my symptoms because the idea of having to list them verbally to the doctor exhuasted me. I am literally so tired and so lacking in concentration that Marolyn will say something to me and I'll lose track of her meaning half way through. My symptoms fill almost two pages single spaced. We'll I guess I'll find out tomorrow whether I'm dying or whether I'm a hypochondriac. Despite the embarrassment I'd prefer to be a hypochondriac, please. Then I can just go about my tired life knowing it's all in my head and I can just buck up and get on with it .............(in tribute to Borat)......

........

.....not.