Ruth: Red Rag to a Bull

Funnily enough, as I was talking on the phone to my mum about my latest negative pregnancy test, saying "I won't really believe anything until I get my period...", I felt an intense cramping that made me think Aunt Flo had come for a visit. I went to check and sure enough, there were faint signs of her arrival.

The dissappointment I felt was like a gentle ride down a dark river. I wasn't afraid of it. Compared to some of the places I've been it was pretty tame. I wanted some quiet and contemplation to experience the full richness of the ride. I needed to not go to the party that several hours earlier I'd been very excited about attending.

When I tell people that it didn't work this time they often quickfire with the reassurances like a blast from a pistol at a race. "It's only the first time!", "Don't worry! You'll get there!", "Come out tonight. It will cheer you up.". I know they mean well. They care. Dissapointment and grief are uncomfortable emotions for them to see in me or Marolyn. Personally, I find dissapointment and grief as comfortable as excitement and optimism. They are rich emotions that pass when given their due.

I have no doubt that I'll get pregnant when the time is right. I wanted to get pregnant this time. When I was trying to conceive I felt that I had to open myself to accepting a baby completely. Closing off part of my hope or love for this not yet existant being could have got in the way. Don't worry about me. I'm happy to be sad.

Bic Runga probably wrote this song for a lover who left, but she may as well be talking about my baby that didn't show for me this month.

Walk around the bathroom
Fill the sink
Wander round the kitchen
Make a drink
To occupy my time's my only wish
I've rearranged the magnets, on my fridge

Without you now, without you now
Without you now, without you now

Just can't make decisions
Think what to do
Turn on my television
And think of you
Splash my face with water
Brush my teeth
Your toothbrush gone from where it ought to be

Without you now, without you now
Without you now, without you now