Ruth: The resilience of hope

It's funny that even after reading a very clear 'not pregnant' on my digital pregnancy test, in the absence of aunt flo my hope of being pregnant is still very much alive.

It might be a misguided hope but it's not one I can squash. I need to welcome it. Whether this journey ends up being long or short, it's hope that will pull me through.

A few years ago part of my work was in a team designing and delivering workshops on recovery from trauma and distress to mental health professionals. My boss at the time was an extremely quiet man with guru like charisma. He would give a speech about hope. How in the depths of his dispair, locked in a cell in a psychiatric institution, it was a spark of hope that pulled him out of psychosis and back to control of his actions. How after two years of crippling existential angst that confined him to his bed, it was a spark of hope that helped him leave the house one day. This hope has pulled him and me and countless other people through journeys from inner pain so huge it's unbearable to places where we stand in the light and fulfil our potential.

Before I took the test I told myself and others that I had a 20% chance of being pregnant. Now that I've taken the test I say I have a 90% chance of not being pregnant. It's a pretty arbitary, conservative figure based loosely on science. But that 10% possibility of pregnancy feels like a piece of sweet rational belief in a time filled with unknowing and irrational feelings. It's pulling me though.