Ruth: No worries mate! She'll be right!

Turns out I am a hypochondriac....sort of.

I guess I wanted my own little piece of ER action because while Marolyn was at the gym I panicked, decided I was dying and called the ambulance.

I truly believed that death was a possibility and I might not make it .

My hands were cold but I was clammy and sweating like a pig, I was too scared to move, my spine hurt, I had this weird swallowing feeling that I convinced myself was internal bleeding.

Lying there with my cold hand and my fading energy, to breathless to even talk, I could picture myself slipping away.

"The ambulance is on it's way" said the sweet, considered voice of the operator.

"Oh, my heart is starting to pound" I said

"Take deep breaths" he said "Calm down!"

"What if I don't want to calm down." I said "What if I want to panic. I'm scared!"

"If you slow down your breathing you will conserve oxygen" he said.

Oh, I liked his reasoning.

Well, I'm sorry but A&E was full of c@#ts. They are probably nice people but I didn't like their tone, I didn't like to wait. I was having an emergency dammit! They didn't seem to think I was such an urgent case...THANK GOD!

I went to my GP and she did further funny tests to confirm my 'not about to die' status.

"Put your finger on your nose...now touch my finger...now the other finger...I'm going to hit my finger with a hammer, now I'm going to hit your elbow with a hammer"

I liked her style. She is a very wise, very strong and very fun woman. I trust her. She listens to me. She not afraid to share her opinion but she knows that the final decision is mine. Whew!

Diagnosis: Backache and mental health problems bordering on a catatonic state.

Now we are packing our bags for a Queen Supreme room at the Hotel Intercontinental and I have been prescribed valium and neurofen. The dose to be varied as I see fit (within reason).

I have always known to keep my sweet little mind away from E, P and LSD.
Now a New Years at a nice hotel, with my baby and some yummy drugs doesn't sound so bad.

Don't cry for me, lovely readers.

Ruth: People Worry...What are you worrying about today...

Ha ha. As I write this I'm singing the Violent Femmes song in my head, kind of tongue in cheek.

First off...I got my big fat bloody period on Christmas eve...well, that saved a pregnancy test I guess. Sorry to be so slack in posting about it.

I had already kind've crumpled in a heap and was starting to think my inability to get pregnant was just another symptom of all the failure that doggone dogs me my whole life...whew, sitting in a smelly muddy ditch that I'd dug for myself in the rain ...that's what I was doing and I took a few days to wallow in it.

y'know Christmas is alway crazy busy for me. I'm always exhausted from work and this time I was really limping to the finish line and then..bam...what do you know? It's time to scrabble for tape and scissors? Where the hell are they when I need them. In fact, our house was such a shambles finding anything was a miracle. And then running to the car and trying to wrap the present while we were driving because we are already late. That's how my life felt in 2006...feeling like I should be where I'm going now yesterday and I should have bought a Phoenix organic ginger beer to the party but I'm walking in with a bottle of Coke and feeling stink about it.

Well, I'm going to do 2007 differently!
I'm going to rest.
I'm going to take on less responsibility.
I'm going to prioritize what I think of me over what other people might be thinking of me.
I'm going to say no! Wakarimashita? La computadora diseke non! Hunh!
I'm going to get preggers! Oh yes... (knowing nod like in Wayne's world)

We've had a great holiday so far. Went camping for 2 days to try out our tent in preparation for the peace festival next week. True kiwi bliss. Going out to squat in a corner of grass and pee in the middle of the night I looked up at the stars and started feeling more like a rabbit or a fox terrier than a human being, and it felt good.

There was a swingbridge made of wire and mesh - the largest swingbrige of it's type in NZ, suspended over a river gorge that seemed hundreds of metres below. Going across it was quite an effort in mind over matter and anxiety control...and then a huge buzz.

Now we're home and life is good. I finally made a doctor's appointment. I've been feeling sick and run down and exhausted since late October and have just put it down to work stress but I had another relapse into the nausea, spinal pain and fit of dry retching debacle and thought to myself - this is not normal. As I was lying on the couch feeling thirsty but also feeling too bone tired to pick up the glass of water and drink some I thought - isn't it kind of extreme to feel this tired.

My appointment isn't till tomorrow afternoon. I couldn't bear the craziness so I rang Healthline and talked to the nurse. She agreed that my symptoms could indicate ectopic pregnancy or a gastro infection or stress or diabetes and that I should definitely get it checked out.

I decided to write out a list of my symptoms because the idea of having to list them verbally to the doctor exhuasted me. I am literally so tired and so lacking in concentration that Marolyn will say something to me and I'll lose track of her meaning half way through. My symptoms fill almost two pages single spaced. We'll I guess I'll find out tomorrow whether I'm dying or whether I'm a hypochondriac. Despite the embarrassment I'd prefer to be a hypochondriac, please. Then I can just go about my tired life knowing it's all in my head and I can just buck up and get on with it .............(in tribute to Borat)......

........

.....not.

Ruth: Holiday!

First day of Christmas break. Apart from when I am forced to venture outside I plan to spend as much time as possible in my jammies today. It's a matter of principle.

I'm wearing the US icons jammy bottoms that Amy sent in the mail. Marolyn wore the shirt last night. Thanks for the beautiful care package Amy!

I'm still being haunted by ghosts of work worries past, so I think it takes true indulgence and sloth to get that out of my system. I've hired a bunch of dvd's that I've never got round to watching before - old Woody Allen movies, Rebel without a Cause, The Importance of being Earnest...

There is a raging southerly outside and the ocean looks set to angrily eat up the beach. A perfect day for hibernation. Yay for southern hemisphere 'summer' Christmas.

On the preggers front, I get to test in two days (Christmas eve). I was such a stress ball about work this month and lax about taking my temperatures. I'm not feeling that hopeful but you never know.

My brother has arrived in town and it's great to see him again. I'm getting excited about our big melting pot family christmas experiment this year complete with ex's and in-laws. It's likely to be very loud and hopefully in a musical way too.

Marolyn: I'm doing it right now...

Relaxing, that is. Ruth is the one working on a Sunday afternoon - for shame.

I woke up today feeling very enthusiastic, but that soon wore off when I stayed in bed too long.
Alas, a holiday of 11 days is looming and that makes everything shiny and bright. Except the sky, which is gray and dark. Yay summer...

It's been a week since our last insemination. We are not as obsessed about testing and pregnancy signs this month. As I said previously Ruth is working - her mind is elsewhere.

We went to Ateo's Happy Birthday cake party yesterday at Te Papa's Storyplace. That was exciting, soft toys, life size mooing cows and dress ups. We had more sugar than should be allowed and watched Ateo's face light up at his nice gifts and fist, then mouth fulls of hot chips.

In other news, I've been badging again. Ruth, Gabi and I went to see the Wellington International Ukulele Orchestra Friday and I got so inspired I've made a batch of ukulele badges. I'm happy with them. I think I will start putting my elliptical creations on my website so they can be viewed by all.

Friday I went to drop Honey, our to-be-converted diesel van to out would-be convertor Envirocar. But on the way, she died. So I started walking towards home at 7.30am with cramps, no cash and work to get to... I called Envirocar and Dave, the owner, kindly said he'd come look at the car in an hour. So Ruth came to meet me and we sat in the back of the van and ate a very unhealthy breakfast. Finally Dave called saying he'd be very late because he had run out of fuel... Then in true New Zealand happenstance, Ruth saw Dave parked in our car near where she had died. Flat battery, according to him. And that's where the story sits on pause. We don't know what's going on with the van... he's checking her out to see if she will run for a couple of years until we move to LA. That's all we want anyway.

Marolyn: Will I ever relax again?

In these preparent times, I like to look around me and wonder - after birth, will I ever have any time? Will I be able to read a book in between diapers, work, bottles, diapers, crying (mine, Ruth's and baby's). Will I make art, write? Will I be happy?

Am I happy now? Have I ever been happy?

I have a very strong and constant urge to move back to LA. I don't know if it's real or make believe. If the urge is for difference or the past.

I am looking for a new job. I am hoping to find something good.

On the other hand - I am relaxing now, I don't have Sunday anxiety at this moment and it has been so sunny today, the laundry has dried. Life's not so bad.

We are in the middle of our second insemination cycle. Exciting and challenging - logostically - as I am the driver and schedule maker. Thinking about it now, I probably have the easiest job out of the three of us. I hope it works soon. Please.

much love,
Marolyn