Ruth: I'm back!

Home again that is. I was going to add a picture of the bay but decided to go with this one of some established trees instead...just to give some credit where credit is due.

Staying with family up north was very healing. This is something I am just finding out now that I am home.

It hasn't been an easy day but it ended well with a trip to the gym where I managed 2 lengths of backstroke sans panic attack. A lifetime record for me. It helped that there was a panic button (for emergency use only) at the midway mark. Funny how a panic button, clearly marked, can remove the need to panic.

Anyway, now is the hour for me to fall into a dreamless sleep. Don't worry, I've resigned myself to following doctor's orders in terms of prescribed quantities.

Ruth: Ya know they say it ain't easy...

Mmmm, John Lennon's songs are a bit too poignant right now. Especially his 'glass onion' phase.

Just as well I'm anonymous-ish because notariety would be infamy right now, huh?

I'm home on 'weekend leave' to use an outdated term. Let's just say hanging out at home after so long away had some associated teething issues in the personal department but for the most part I was treated like a queen (of Sh==ba) and I certainly wasn't behaving like one.

I've got some nagging physical discomforts that don't make for pleasant reading so I'll save delicate readers from the details. It's interesting that these physical sensations are totally intertwined with my emotional state and interpersonal interactions. Also interesting is the response I get when I mention my physical discomforts.

Me: Ouch, my neck hurts (anxiously rubbing sore neck)

Other person: Are you feeling anxious?

Well, now actually I was feeling anxious. I was anxious about the pain in my neck.

I've learnt though, that my pain in the neck is a pain in the butt to everyone else. I've learnt to stop moaning so much.

I've also found that time, and underemployment, is a great healer. After about a month and a half of chronic complaint about my pain (sorry, anxiety) the pain in my neck, back and arms has almost cleared up. All I've got to fix now is the pain in the butt I've been creating for everyone else. Isn't it ironic...don't you think.

It's a corker of a sunny day and we plan to go for a drive, stopping for lunch on the way.

Ruth is still an hour north. It's been almost two weeks since she's been away (again). The whole thing has been going on more than a month.
She says I am out in the world hanging out with cool people and she is isolated in a place where no one understands her. It's true I am out in the world, but I feel pretty isolated as well.
We will have a meeting monday to talk about the plan for the next couple of weeks. I have no idea. I miss her so much. I want her to come home. But based on our recent experience of her being home, I'm not sure it's the best place for her. She finds it very stressful. She's got a lot of neck and shoulder pain.
It continues. The worst is over, but even though I am talking to my friends in the states and people here, I feel very alone without her.
Off to work.

Ever changing

Just home from visiting with Ruth. It was a nice time. She is doing well. The house she is in is very open and she is free to be. Everywhere else she's been has been more controlled. Here she can lock her own door and get some privacy and there are people there who have been through what she is going through. That's really important.

We walked on the beach and sang songs. We didn't talk about any of the stuff. I'm getting stronger. She's getting better. Things feel more stable today.

Work is hectic, but I welcome that.

I do exist and I am needed by Ruth, but mostly myself.

Got the new Shins album today.

Going swimming tomorrow.

Hope all is well in your world.