Marolyn: Ever ending

Ruth didn't take her meds for a couple of days at the end of last week. Her behaviour was very erratic, as I explained in my last post. I was relieved that there was a reason. I didn't know until she told the support team and I went up to the bedroom and found three days of one med and two days of another that she had emptied into her drawer.

She said she wanted to feel what it was like off of them. Fair enough.

Saturday she went to a crisis respite house because the support team is worried about our relationship basically. I was too before she left.

Today (Tuesday) she moved to another house about an hour up the coast. It's a consumer-initiated place run by an organisation she used to work for. She says the food is good and she's got a little bach by the beach. I won't see her until the weekend. Although I miss her, it's good to have some space away from each other at the moment.

I saw her this morning before I went to work and we argued. We see things very differently. She told me she needs me to be a champion of her choices, but I can't do that if her choice is not taking meds, at least not right now. In the future I am open, but I would like her to get better on meds now. More than anything I need to avoid discussions with her regarding things that have happened or my point of view. I don't really exist at the moment.

All new territory for me.

I want to write a bunch or short stories with mundane titles like smoking a cigarette or grocery shopping. Those things are huge experiences for me right now. I'm numbed out and coping at the same time. Yay therapy, friends, swimming and work (believe it or not).

Ruth is the best thing that's ever happened to me. This is all learning and I'm not fighting it.

MAROLYN: Long and winding road

Ruth's mom has said that Ruth will recover quickly, it's me that is going to take time. Although it has only been just under a month that this has all been going on, I'm feeling the strain.

Ruth changes her mind every two minutes about what she needs. She tells me to get some space and take care of my needs, but at the same time she needs something, she get's angry if I don't provide. The most frustrating part about this is that she often doesn't verbally tell me what she needs, she wants me to intuit.

I'm scared.

Ruth: Still here, and thanks for all the fish!

Home at last. 2 days now. It feels great. I'm too lazy too give you a photo.

Thanks so much to everyone who emailed, called, sent cards, gifts, visited or all of the above. I am a priviledged individual and grateful to have you all in my life. Forgive me for taking some time in thanking you personally.

Marolyn is suffering a lot, which I find to painful to see. I am pretty distant with her.

It's not what it seems. I'm just done with other people's pain right now. For 3+ years I've OD'd on other people's pain and I'm saying
"No more".
"Anybody got pain, they can take it elsewhere"
"2007 may as well be the year of the selfish mofo female dog for all I care, I'm gonna have fun"

I'd hate to cause the one person I love more than anything in this world any more pain though. That's why I'm taking a prescribed tablet and going to bed right now...and asking you lovely readers to look out for her, cos right I'm looking the other way.

Marolyn: Happy New Year

These past couple of weeks have been pretty dramatic, but we have survived.

Ruth basically was teetering on the edge of a manic episode when she wrote her last post.

Long story short, she is in hospital and has been for over a week. Hopefully she will be out Monday. She is recovering very well, although she has a lot of physical discomfort.

I never in my wildest nightmares thought she would end up in hospital. She has been somewhat high over the past few months since she went off her meds (in order to get pregnant-her meds are known to cause birth defects).

She has been in hospital once before and had a very bad time there, but to everyone's surprise she is comfortable there this time and not unhappy about her treatment. I have been impressed with the patience and attentiveness of the staff and feel we are lucky.

I have been on an emotional roller coasters these past weeks. It is very painful to see someone you love so much go away in front of your eyes. My mom came over from California to support me and I have great friends and Ruth's mum is awesome. Overall, I realise that this makes our relationship stronger. It has allowed me to look at my life and our life and see what is truly important. Our health and happiness as individuals and a couple is the main thing.

We are putting the baby stuff off for now, it is still too early in Ruth's recovery to talk about any of that. Her doctors says a manic episode is like a double pneumonia. Your body needs time to recover. So that is what she will be doing over the next few months.

Thank you for your love and support.