OwhiroMamas

on the move

2010-01-30T21:42:00.004+13:00

We are a family on the move.

Goodbye to Wellington, for now. Hello USA.

This boy is up for some adventures we are sure.

He's not even six months and he's
-cutting some mean teeth
-standing in his cot
-almost walking on furniture
-crawling

Watch out!

Too cute

2009-12-08T22:33:00.003+13:00

Manaaki is turning into a little sugar lump. He's so cuddly and sweet. he smiles all of the time and works really hard trying to crawl. He's just started solids and has a little bud of a tooth creepin out. He's only 17 weeks. You'd think he was on growth hormones.

He's growing fast

2009-11-06T23:35:00.003+13:00

Our little boy now enjoys sucking his thumb, standing (with a bit of help from us), splashing in the bath and smiling. Yay. We're enjoying all of that, too.

Good morning

2009-10-10T07:59:00.008+13:00

the boy's on you tube!

2009-10-01T19:54:00.001+13:00

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=mlkazza&search_type=&aq=f

2009-09-26T13:16:00.005+12:00

Smiles...and more smiles

2009-09-20T19:54:00.005+12:00

Our gorgeous little boy is smiling. It seemed like a long wait for the first one but it was worth it. My heart still leaps whenever the corners of his mouth start to curl up.

We are still dealing with a few issues of pulling off the breast during nursing, much to the frustration of Manaaki and the Mamas. I've done a search on the web tonight and found some good information so hopefully we will sort it out.

In the meantime a few smiles make up for all of it.

Life is good

2009-09-08T21:25:00.004+12:00

Colic?

2009-09-06T16:50:00.003+12:00

Maybe the boy has colic, maybe he just likes to scream till he's hoarse.
Either way, it's hard to watch.
Hey, he's still so cute.

One month tomorrow

2009-09-03T12:57:00.004+12:00

It's hard to believe our little man will be one month old tomorrow. Time has gone by so fast.

What have we learned about Manaaki so far?
He loves a bath.
He loves to eat.
He's a good sleeper at night, thank you. But daytime is party time. So unless he's snuggled in someone's arms, he doesn't sleep.
And, he's gorgeous.

Good times

2009-08-29T12:05:00.006+12:00

Manaaki's first few weeks have been busy.

Sleeping

Chillin with cuzzy Lorenzito

Perfecting his poses

Nana Amy arrives

2009-08-20T16:29:00.002+12:00

Marolyn's mom Amy is visiting us from the States for 2 weeks. So far her and Manaaki have enjoyed many cuddles and she is spoiling us with her cooking and skills about the house.

I took Manaaki to work to show off and got home and Marolyn and Amy had done a big clean and feng shui of the house. Amy had even cleaned the windows so we can see the beautiful view now.

Party, it's the weekend

2009-08-17T09:07:00.006+12:00

Manaaki's first full weekend out of the hospital was a good time. He got lots of cuddles from his granny, aunty Lucy and uncles Simon, William and Hunter.

And he was hitting the sauce pretty hard. He passed out a few times and we had to carry him off to bed. We don't mind because he's been letting us sleep most of the night, 6 to 8 hours.

He's so sweet and lovely.

The collective highlights, so far

2009-08-13T10:28:00.007+12:00

His cute little clothes
Opera arms
Cuddles
Ruth snuggling him on her chest
Kisses (aka looking for the boob)
A full night's sleep
The pram
Jenny's (midwife's) awesome tips
Lovely cuddles with friends and family
Farts

Manaaki Mariner James Krasner Jackson

2009-08-08T09:13:00.008+12:00

Marolyn:

Our beautiful little man was born at 3:02pm Friday 7/08/09 at Wellington Hospital. He weighed a healthy 3.92kgs (8.6 lbs).
Ruth was amazing and she was encouraged, coached and well-loved by her mum Susan, our dear friend and support person Kedron and our amazing midwife Jenny Petrovich.
Ruth keeps saying what a wonderful day it was and how much she enjoyed the experience, although the pushing was the hardest thing she says she's ever done. She will write about her experience here some time in the future.

ouch!

2009-08-07T06:05:00.001+12:00

Yay, the day before induction gets discussed I've had a show and have been contracting every 6-10 minutes since midnight. Still mellow but it's a start. I'm waiting another hour before we call our support person. Mum is on her way. Action - it's very welcome.

falsies, falsettos and false labour

2009-08-06T09:59:00.003+12:00

So yesterday Ruth took some caster oil and then had what we hoped were labour pains throughout the night. At 3am I encouraged her to sleep. She did and woke up and now feels nothing. Ho hum. I'm off work today and we have a the sweeping appointment tomorrow.

I could describe the waiting game with many words ending with ing, but my favorite is exciting. At least there's going to be a gorgeous baby at the end of the waiting.

We're ready already

2009-08-01T18:57:00.002+12:00

We've made it to the due date and beyond, one day beyond. That was never really a goal. Getting pregnant and having a baby was the goal. We were pretty sure the babes would come out early rather than late, because all the women on Ruth's mum's side of the family have had their first babies early. This is probably just the first of our many expectation to be destroyed.

watch this space...

An expat's pumpkin pie

2007-11-22T21:43:00.001+13:00

I couldn't find the pie tin I was sure we had and I mistakenly bought puff pastry. But despite their dubious appearance, these pumpkin pie tartlets are still yummy.

We had another beautiful today here in the capital. Life is pretty good. Ruth and I are in love. we are heading to California in December! I didn't get into a writing course I wanted to get into, but I figure rejection is a part of creative life.

I'm excited about our baby future. Babies are popping out everywhere these days. My friend is in labor right now, in fact. Can't wait until it is our turn. Although, I know time will go fast.

Ruth: You can't beat Welly on a good day

2007-11-11T20:50:00.001+13:00

Sunday was one of those five fabulous days that Wellington gets a year. It felt magic.

Marolyn was tech for Lesbian Radio. Then we went to the gym for a swim and spa and then we went out for yum cha with ....someone who might be our new donor. It was nervy and exciting. We've known him and his boyfriend for a while. They were at our wedding. Although we haven't seen a lot of them since then they have been a really sweet and positive presence in our lives.

After yum cha and some talking about how a donor arrangement might work, the four of us walked through Waitangi park and along the wharf. The water was clear, the air was warm and full of insects. Everything glittered with possibility.

They left to go furniture shopping and Marolyn and I took the cable car up to the gardens and walked through some bush tracks that we hadn't been on before. We lay down under a huge tree and looked at the sky.

For the first time since everything capsized last Christmas, I feel hope about the TTC journey instead of bitterness at the twists we've had. I feel some sadness that things didn't work out with the first donor. He remains a valued friend and I'm grateful for everything he did do. Finally, Marolyn and I concluded that he will have a special relationship with our children whether related to them or not. With the new guy and his partner, I'm kind of scared of getting on the whole roller coaster again - but it just feels right.

See that, we're happy

2007-11-06T20:02:00.001+13:00

Ruth: Weekend wonderings

2007-08-12T21:47:00.000+12:00

Another weekend over. It was spent constructively enough. I've been obsessing about guitar recently and Marolyn is very tolerant of my feeble attempts at chord changes. So I spent most of Saturday trying to work out some songs and then even shut myself in the office and did a little writing. Our office is a shambles with piles of books, clothes and other miscellaneous craft materials covering every surface, but with the heater on full and the warm light on the cheap wood panel walls, I was almost ready to call it bohemian.

We went op shopping up the coast with a lezzie couple who are planning their wedding for next year. They are just starting to think about babies and eye up potential donors. They spoke about it with this kind of coy innocence that made me feel really nostalgic. In comparison, it feels like Marolyn and I are returned injured from the field, mission failed.

Today was unseasonably fine so we went for a walk at Princess Bay. I had peeled some carrots and pumpkin for soup and loaded them in a pot which I brought to the boil before we left. After scrambling over rocks and finding a frilly pink sea slug in a shallow pool, I was feeling quite smug
and organised, looking foward to hot soup and feeling motivated about doing the dishes. We came home to a house full of smoke and some charcoal that used to be vegetables. Luckily no further damage, except to my ego. I collapsed on the coach and read the paper instead of doing planned housework.

Later we picked up our friend Gabi from the airport, who had just been on holiday in Germany and Australia. She said that arriving at her father's after a long flight, she'd put the kettle on for a cuppa. Smelling something weird a few minutes later she realised that she'd put a cordless kettle with a black plastic base onto the gas hob and flames were now shooting half a metre into the air. It helped me not feel so bad about almost burning our house down.

After dropping Gabi home, Marolyn and I drove the windy road through the pines up to Mt Victoria . Renovations had closed the main lookout so we followed the short track to the East and stood facing Miramar Peninsular and the distant Orongaronga ranges. The sea was a deep blue green and the Orongarongas were turning pink. I guess prompted by the sense of breadth and perpective, we started our familiar conversation about the future, turning over the the issues of conception and public funded health care, warmer climates, Californian friends and family we miss and the difficulty of me getting a greencard. There are no answers yet. I look out at that breathtaking view and know that it is not enough to keep me here.

Ruth: Yay for rainy sundays

2007-07-29T17:21:00.000+12:00

Marolyn is at an exclusive film festival gig at her work, catered for by Logan Brown, one of the flashier restaurants in town.

I'm spending a pleasant afternoon inside, practicing for my second ever guitar lesson and sinking into some books we just got out from the library.

We have reached a secure and happy place again after the tumultuous beginning to the year. I haven't written for so long because for months I was in such a dark, despairing chasm I really didn't want to share it with anyone. We wouldn't have made it through without all the support people have given us and it's very comforting to know we have such an amazing community.

In the end it was happy pills prescribed by the doctor that finally pulled me back into the light. That was quite a big surprise to me because I've never had that much faith in pharmacology before. Now I'm a believer.

I still have some grief over everything I put people through and the way our baby plans were disrupted. We are tentatively looking forward, planning some holidays and hoping to start trying to conceive again around the middle of next year...at least that's the latest plan.

Ruth: I'm back!

2007-02-21T22:02:00.000+13:00

Home again that is. I was going to add a picture of the bay but decided to go with this one of some established trees instead...just to give some credit where credit is due.

Staying with family up north was very healing. This is something I am just finding out now that I am home.

It hasn't been an easy day but it ended well with a trip to the gym where I managed 2 lengths of backstroke sans panic attack. A lifetime record for me. It helped that there was a panic button (for emergency use only) at the midway mark. Funny how a panic button, clearly marked, can remove the need to panic.

Anyway, now is the hour for me to fall into a dreamless sleep. Don't worry, I've resigned myself to following doctor's orders in terms of prescribed quantities.

Ruth: Ya know they say it ain't easy...

2007-02-18T10:28:00.000+13:00

Mmmm, John Lennon's songs are a bit too poignant right now. Especially his 'glass onion' phase.

Just as well I'm anonymous-ish because notariety would be infamy right now, huh?

I'm home on 'weekend leave' to use an outdated term. Let's just say hanging out at home after so long away had some associated teething issues in the personal department but for the most part I was treated like a queen (of Sh==ba) and I certainly wasn't behaving like one.

I've got some nagging physical discomforts that don't make for pleasant reading so I'll save delicate readers from the details. It's interesting that these physical sensations are totally intertwined with my emotional state and interpersonal interactions. Also interesting is the response I get when I mention my physical discomforts.

Me: Ouch, my neck hurts (anxiously rubbing sore neck)

Other person: Are you feeling anxious?

Well, now actually I was feeling anxious. I was anxious about the pain in my neck.

I've learnt though, that my pain in the neck is a pain in the butt to everyone else. I've learnt to stop moaning so much.

I've also found that time, and underemployment, is a great healer. After about a month and a half of chronic complaint about my pain (sorry, anxiety) the pain in my neck, back and arms has almost cleared up. All I've got to fix now is the pain in the butt I've been creating for everyone else. Isn't it ironic...don't you think.

It's a corker of a sunny day and we plan to go for a drive, stopping for lunch on the way.

2007-02-09T07:37:00.000+13:00

Ruth is still an hour north. It's been almost two weeks since she's been away (again). The whole thing has been going on more than a month.
She says I am out in the world hanging out with cool people and she is isolated in a place where no one understands her. It's true I am out in the world, but I feel pretty isolated as well.
We will have a meeting monday to talk about the plan for the next couple of weeks. I have no idea. I miss her so much. I want her to come home. But based on our recent experience of her being home, I'm not sure it's the best place for her. She finds it very stressful. She's got a lot of neck and shoulder pain.
It continues. The worst is over, but even though I am talking to my friends in the states and people here, I feel very alone without her.
Off to work.

Ever changing

2007-02-01T23:18:00.000+13:00

Just home from visiting with Ruth. It was a nice time. She is doing well. The house she is in is very open and she is free to be. Everywhere else she's been has been more controlled. Here she can lock her own door and get some privacy and there are people there who have been through what she is going through. That's really important.

We walked on the beach and sang songs. We didn't talk about any of the stuff. I'm getting stronger. She's getting better. Things feel more stable today.

Work is hectic, but I welcome that.

I do exist and I am needed by Ruth, but mostly myself.

Got the new Shins album today.

Going swimming tomorrow.

Hope all is well in your world.

Marolyn: Ever ending

2007-01-30T22:05:00.000+13:00

Ruth didn't take her meds for a couple of days at the end of last week. Her behaviour was very erratic, as I explained in my last post. I was relieved that there was a reason. I didn't know until she told the support team and I went up to the bedroom and found three days of one med and two days of another that she had emptied into her drawer.

She said she wanted to feel what it was like off of them. Fair enough.

Saturday she went to a crisis respite house because the support team is worried about our relationship basically. I was too before she left.

Today (Tuesday) she moved to another house about an hour up the coast. It's a consumer-initiated place run by an organisation she used to work for. She says the food is good and she's got a little bach by the beach. I won't see her until the weekend. Although I miss her, it's good to have some space away from each other at the moment.

I saw her this morning before I went to work and we argued. We see things very differently. She told me she needs me to be a champion of her choices, but I can't do that if her choice is not taking meds, at least not right now. In the future I am open, but I would like her to get better on meds now. More than anything I need to avoid discussions with her regarding things that have happened or my point of view. I don't really exist at the moment.

All new territory for me.

I want to write a bunch or short stories with mundane titles like smoking a cigarette or grocery shopping. Those things are huge experiences for me right now. I'm numbed out and coping at the same time. Yay therapy, friends, swimming and work (believe it or not).

Ruth is the best thing that's ever happened to me. This is all learning and I'm not fighting it.

MAROLYN: Long and winding road

2007-01-27T10:13:00.000+13:00

Ruth's mom has said that Ruth will recover quickly, it's me that is going to take time. Although it has only been just under a month that this has all been going on, I'm feeling the strain.

Ruth changes her mind every two minutes about what she needs. She tells me to get some space and take care of my needs, but at the same time she needs something, she get's angry if I don't provide. The most frustrating part about this is that she often doesn't verbally tell me what she needs, she wants me to intuit.

I'm scared.

Ruth: Still here, and thanks for all the fish!

2007-01-16T23:31:00.000+13:00

Home at last. 2 days now. It feels great. I'm too lazy too give you a photo.

Thanks so much to everyone who emailed, called, sent cards, gifts, visited or all of the above. I am a priviledged individual and grateful to have you all in my life. Forgive me for taking some time in thanking you personally.

Marolyn is suffering a lot, which I find to painful to see. I am pretty distant with her.

It's not what it seems. I'm just done with other people's pain right now. For 3+ years I've OD'd on other people's pain and I'm saying
"No more".
"Anybody got pain, they can take it elsewhere"
"2007 may as well be the year of the selfish mofo female dog for all I care, I'm gonna have fun"

I'd hate to cause the one person I love more than anything in this world any more pain though. That's why I'm taking a prescribed tablet and going to bed right now...and asking you lovely readers to look out for her, cos right I'm looking the other way.

Marolyn: Happy New Year

2007-01-12T11:27:00.000+13:00

These past couple of weeks have been pretty dramatic, but we have survived.

Ruth basically was teetering on the edge of a manic episode when she wrote her last post.

Long story short, she is in hospital and has been for over a week. Hopefully she will be out Monday. She is recovering very well, although she has a lot of physical discomfort.

I never in my wildest nightmares thought she would end up in hospital. She has been somewhat high over the past few months since she went off her meds (in order to get pregnant-her meds are known to cause birth defects).

She has been in hospital once before and had a very bad time there, but to everyone's surprise she is comfortable there this time and not unhappy about her treatment. I have been impressed with the patience and attentiveness of the staff and feel we are lucky.

I have been on an emotional roller coasters these past weeks. It is very painful to see someone you love so much go away in front of your eyes. My mom came over from California to support me and I have great friends and Ruth's mum is awesome. Overall, I realise that this makes our relationship stronger. It has allowed me to look at my life and our life and see what is truly important. Our health and happiness as individuals and a couple is the main thing.

We are putting the baby stuff off for now, it is still too early in Ruth's recovery to talk about any of that. Her doctors says a manic episode is like a double pneumonia. Your body needs time to recover. So that is what she will be doing over the next few months.

Thank you for your love and support.

Ruth: No worries mate! She'll be right!

2006-12-31T16:49:00.000+13:00

Turns out I am a hypochondriac....sort of.

I guess I wanted my own little piece of ER action because while Marolyn was at the gym I panicked, decided I was dying and called the ambulance.

I truly believed that death was a possibility and I might not make it .

My hands were cold but I was clammy and sweating like a pig, I was too scared to move, my spine hurt, I had this weird swallowing feeling that I convinced myself was internal bleeding.

Lying there with my cold hand and my fading energy, to breathless to even talk, I could picture myself slipping away.

"The ambulance is on it's way" said the sweet, considered voice of the operator.

"Oh, my heart is starting to pound" I said

"Take deep breaths" he said "Calm down!"

"What if I don't want to calm down." I said "What if I want to panic. I'm scared!"

"If you slow down your breathing you will conserve oxygen" he said.

Oh, I liked his reasoning.

Well, I'm sorry but A&E was full of c@#ts. They are probably nice people but I didn't like their tone, I didn't like to wait. I was having an emergency dammit! They didn't seem to think I was such an urgent case...THANK GOD!

I went to my GP and she did further funny tests to confirm my 'not about to die' status.

"Put your finger on your nose...now touch my finger...now the other finger...I'm going to hit my finger with a hammer, now I'm going to hit your elbow with a hammer"

I liked her style. She is a very wise, very strong and very fun woman. I trust her. She listens to me. She not afraid to share her opinion but she knows that the final decision is mine. Whew!

Diagnosis: Backache and mental health problems bordering on a catatonic state.

Now we are packing our bags for a Queen Supreme room at the Hotel Intercontinental and I have been prescribed valium and neurofen. The dose to be varied as I see fit (within reason).

I have always known to keep my sweet little mind away from E, P and LSD.
Now a New Years at a nice hotel, with my baby and some yummy drugs doesn't sound so bad.

Don't cry for me, lovely readers.

Ruth: People Worry...What are you worrying about today...

2006-12-31T04:36:00.000+13:00

Ha ha. As I write this I'm singing the Violent Femmes song in my head, kind of tongue in cheek.

First off...I got my big fat bloody period on Christmas eve...well, that saved a pregnancy test I guess. Sorry to be so slack in posting about it.

I had already kind've crumpled in a heap and was starting to think my inability to get pregnant was just another symptom of all the failure that doggone dogs me my whole life...whew, sitting in a smelly muddy ditch that I'd dug for myself in the rain ...that's what I was doing and I took a few days to wallow in it.

y'know Christmas is alway crazy busy for me. I'm always exhausted from work and this time I was really limping to the finish line and then..bam...what do you know? It's time to scrabble for tape and scissors? Where the hell are they when I need them. In fact, our house was such a shambles finding anything was a miracle. And then running to the car and trying to wrap the present while we were driving because we are already late. That's how my life felt in 2006...feeling like I should be where I'm going now yesterday and I should have bought a Phoenix organic ginger beer to the party but I'm walking in with a bottle of Coke and feeling stink about it.

Well, I'm going to do 2007 differently!
I'm going to rest.
I'm going to take on less responsibility.
I'm going to prioritize what I think of me over what other people might be thinking of me.
I'm going to say no! Wakarimashita? La computadora diseke non! Hunh!
I'm going to get preggers! Oh yes... (knowing nod like in Wayne's world)

We've had a great holiday so far. Went camping for 2 days to try out our tent in preparation for the peace festival next week. True kiwi bliss. Going out to squat in a corner of grass and pee in the middle of the night I looked up at the stars and started feeling more like a rabbit or a fox terrier than a human being, and it felt good.

There was a swingbridge made of wire and mesh - the largest swingbrige of it's type in NZ, suspended over a river gorge that seemed hundreds of metres below. Going across it was quite an effort in mind over matter and anxiety control...and then a huge buzz.

Now we're home and life is good. I finally made a doctor's appointment. I've been feeling sick and run down and exhausted since late October and have just put it down to work stress but I had another relapse into the nausea, spinal pain and fit of dry retching debacle and thought to myself - this is not normal. As I was lying on the couch feeling thirsty but also feeling too bone tired to pick up the glass of water and drink some I thought - isn't it kind of extreme to feel this tired.

My appointment isn't till tomorrow afternoon. I couldn't bear the craziness so I rang Healthline and talked to the nurse. She agreed that my symptoms could indicate ectopic pregnancy or a gastro infection or stress or diabetes and that I should definitely get it checked out.

I decided to write out a list of my symptoms because the idea of having to list them verbally to the doctor exhuasted me. I am literally so tired and so lacking in concentration that Marolyn will say something to me and I'll lose track of her meaning half way through. My symptoms fill almost two pages single spaced. We'll I guess I'll find out tomorrow whether I'm dying or whether I'm a hypochondriac. Despite the embarrassment I'd prefer to be a hypochondriac, please. Then I can just go about my tired life knowing it's all in my head and I can just buck up and get on with it .............(in tribute to Borat)......

........

.....not.

Ruth: Holiday!

2006-12-22T08:46:00.000+13:00

First day of Christmas break. Apart from when I am forced to venture outside I plan to spend as much time as possible in my jammies today. It's a matter of principle.

I'm wearing the US icons jammy bottoms that Amy sent in the mail. Marolyn wore the shirt last night. Thanks for the beautiful care package Amy!

I'm still being haunted by ghosts of work worries past, so I think it takes true indulgence and sloth to get that out of my system. I've hired a bunch of dvd's that I've never got round to watching before - old Woody Allen movies, Rebel without a Cause, The Importance of being Earnest...

There is a raging southerly outside and the ocean looks set to angrily eat up the beach. A perfect day for hibernation. Yay for southern hemisphere 'summer' Christmas.

On the preggers front, I get to test in two days (Christmas eve). I was such a stress ball about work this month and lax about taking my temperatures. I'm not feeling that hopeful but you never know.

My brother has arrived in town and it's great to see him again. I'm getting excited about our big melting pot family christmas experiment this year complete with ex's and in-laws. It's likely to be very loud and hopefully in a musical way too.

Marolyn: I'm doing it right now...

2006-12-17T18:53:00.000+13:00

Relaxing, that is. Ruth is the one working on a Sunday afternoon - for shame.

I woke up today feeling very enthusiastic, but that soon wore off when I stayed in bed too long.
Alas, a holiday of 11 days is looming and that makes everything shiny and bright. Except the sky, which is gray and dark. Yay summer...

It's been a week since our last insemination. We are not as obsessed about testing and pregnancy signs this month. As I said previously Ruth is working - her mind is elsewhere.

We went to Ateo's Happy Birthday cake party yesterday at Te Papa's Storyplace. That was exciting, soft toys, life size mooing cows and dress ups. We had more sugar than should be allowed and watched Ateo's face light up at his nice gifts and fist, then mouth fulls of hot chips.

In other news, I've been badging again. Ruth, Gabi and I went to see the Wellington International Ukulele Orchestra Friday and I got so inspired I've made a batch of ukulele badges. I'm happy with them. I think I will start putting my elliptical creations on my website so they can be viewed by all.

Friday I went to drop Honey, our to-be-converted diesel van to out would-be convertor Envirocar. But on the way, she died. So I started walking towards home at 7.30am with cramps, no cash and work to get to... I called Envirocar and Dave, the owner, kindly said he'd come look at the car in an hour. So Ruth came to meet me and we sat in the back of the van and ate a very unhealthy breakfast. Finally Dave called saying he'd be very late because he had run out of fuel... Then in true New Zealand happenstance, Ruth saw Dave parked in our car near where she had died. Flat battery, according to him. And that's where the story sits on pause. We don't know what's going on with the van... he's checking her out to see if she will run for a couple of years until we move to LA. That's all we want anyway.

Marolyn: Will I ever relax again?

2006-12-10T18:00:00.000+13:00

In these preparent times, I like to look around me and wonder - after birth, will I ever have any time? Will I be able to read a book in between diapers, work, bottles, diapers, crying (mine, Ruth's and baby's). Will I make art, write? Will I be happy?

Am I happy now? Have I ever been happy?

I have a very strong and constant urge to move back to LA. I don't know if it's real or make believe. If the urge is for difference or the past.

I am looking for a new job. I am hoping to find something good.

On the other hand - I am relaxing now, I don't have Sunday anxiety at this moment and it has been so sunny today, the laundry has dried. Life's not so bad.

We are in the middle of our second insemination cycle. Exciting and challenging - logostically - as I am the driver and schedule maker. Thinking about it now, I probably have the easiest job out of the three of us. I hope it works soon. Please.

much love,
Marolyn

Marolyn: Busy Busy Busy

2006-11-18T06:25:00.000+13:00

I guess this is the time to be as busy as I am.

In the past two weeks, I think I've worked way too much - more than 100 hours. So much, and still I am contemplating going in today, a Saturday. Hmmmm. That's too much.

The good thing about working so much is that I make money, which I will admit is the main reason I am doing this job. Which, I will freely admit, doesn't place my drive in the exact right place when I am at work, sitting there at 8pm. It's not love and passion for the work, it's cold hard cash.

So I'm floating in this world of waking early, going to work about 7.30am, eating breakfast there, staying in a windowless room staring at computers for the next 11 hours, listening to Classic Hits (which aren't at all), managing negative people, come home, eat, decompress, go to bed early and start again. The good thing about this job, apart from the money, is that I am building confidence and experience as a manager.

A lot of people work at jobs just for the money. I'd like to think I could live by Joseph Campbell's principle of following your bliss and trusting that the money will follow, but I don't exactly know what my bliss is right now. Therefore, I'm saving up in the meantime so I can have a stash under the matress when the bliss tornado scoops me up and I am blinded by happiness and fullfillment.

Anyway, onto other things.

I am so ready for Ruth to get pregnant. Very excited. Bring on the bubs. For the first time, I am feeling ready for it all. Maybe it is because I am more secure in my employment (although I refuse to work these hours once we have a little one) and have some goals. Maybe it's becuase I love hanging out with Ateo and Nicola. Maybe it's because it's so right. Whatever the reason, I'm happy.

We went to Auckland last weekend and it was so fun. It has a great feeling to it. I've only heard negative things about the city, but I felt much more at home there than I ever have in Wellington. After LA, when we move back to NZ, we will move to Auckland.

much love,
Marolyn

Ruth: Honey, she's a real Honey

2006-11-07T06:23:00.000+13:00

Marolyn and I have finally fulfilled one of the pledges we made to ourselves on returning from LA this time. We have bought a diesel car to convert to vegie oil. A diesel nissan vanette with $1000 worth of camping equipment to be exact. We have named her Honey.

This lovely old fella from the Wairarapa has a hobby of buying decent old vans and kitting them out with all the camping equipment a pair of backpackers could ever want, then selling them off at incredibly reasonable prices.

When we rounded the figure up a little to get to an even $3000 he kept throwing in free stuff. Finally we realised he wasn't going to take any more money off us so we gave him a bottle of wine and some cookies instead of upping the figure any more.

It's funny how generosity is self perpetuating. I've found the same is true for meaness. I've experienced both ends of that spectrum lately and I think that concious leap of faith to out-generous someone else can make all the difference. It's just almost painful to contemplate when I'm in the place of "but he only...", "but I always...". I guess the only thing for me is to be the person I want to be and let the universe balance the scales as it chooses.

Ruth: Postscript - I'm walking on sunshine

2006-10-30T02:24:00.000+13:00

Well, I'm definitely not pregnant and it's a relief to know one way or the other. After working through the feelings I posted about before (singing and dancing them out in the kitchen actually), I feel light, happy, healthy and excited for the next try.

I'm going to step back from the computer this cycle and take things a bit more naturally instead of analysing the little minutiae of my emotions. At least that's the plan. So if I don't post for a while, that's what I'll be doing...more dancing and singing, less typing.

Ruth: Red Rag to a Bull

2006-10-29T07:07:00.000+13:00

Funnily enough, as I was talking on the phone to my mum about my latest negative pregnancy test, saying "I won't really believe anything until I get my period...", I felt an intense cramping that made me think Aunt Flo had come for a visit. I went to check and sure enough, there were faint signs of her arrival.

The dissappointment I felt was like a gentle ride down a dark river. I wasn't afraid of it. Compared to some of the places I've been it was pretty tame. I wanted some quiet and contemplation to experience the full richness of the ride. I needed to not go to the party that several hours earlier I'd been very excited about attending.

When I tell people that it didn't work this time they often quickfire with the reassurances like a blast from a pistol at a race. "It's only the first time!", "Don't worry! You'll get there!", "Come out tonight. It will cheer you up.". I know they mean well. They care. Dissapointment and grief are uncomfortable emotions for them to see in me or Marolyn. Personally, I find dissapointment and grief as comfortable as excitement and optimism. They are rich emotions that pass when given their due.

I have no doubt that I'll get pregnant when the time is right. I wanted to get pregnant this time. When I was trying to conceive I felt that I had to open myself to accepting a baby completely. Closing off part of my hope or love for this not yet existant being could have got in the way. Don't worry about me. I'm happy to be sad.

Bic Runga probably wrote this song for a lover who left, but she may as well be talking about my baby that didn't show for me this month.

Walk around the bathroom
Fill the sink
Wander round the kitchen
Make a drink
To occupy my time's my only wish
I've rearranged the magnets, on my fridge

Without you now, without you now
Without you now, without you now

Just can't make decisions
Think what to do
Turn on my television
And think of you
Splash my face with water
Brush my teeth
Your toothbrush gone from where it ought to be

Without you now, without you now
Without you now, without you now

Ruth: The resilience of hope

2006-10-28T06:13:00.000+13:00

It's funny that even after reading a very clear 'not pregnant' on my digital pregnancy test, in the absence of aunt flo my hope of being pregnant is still very much alive.

It might be a misguided hope but it's not one I can squash. I need to welcome it. Whether this journey ends up being long or short, it's hope that will pull me through.

A few years ago part of my work was in a team designing and delivering workshops on recovery from trauma and distress to mental health professionals. My boss at the time was an extremely quiet man with guru like charisma. He would give a speech about hope. How in the depths of his dispair, locked in a cell in a psychiatric institution, it was a spark of hope that pulled him out of psychosis and back to control of his actions. How after two years of crippling existential angst that confined him to his bed, it was a spark of hope that helped him leave the house one day. This hope has pulled him and me and countless other people through journeys from inner pain so huge it's unbearable to places where we stand in the light and fulfil our potential.

Before I took the test I told myself and others that I had a 20% chance of being pregnant. Now that I've taken the test I say I have a 90% chance of not being pregnant. It's a pretty arbitary, conservative figure based loosely on science. But that 10% possibility of pregnancy feels like a piece of sweet rational belief in a time filled with unknowing and irrational feelings. It's pulling me though.

Ruth: sleepless in owhiro...

2006-10-25T23:59:00.000+13:00

I have a headache, achey joints, I feel overly emotional about things and I feel slightly nauseous. Pregnancy symptoms? I wish they were. Actually I'm just stressed out.

I was working till 9:30pm with a workmate to try and meet one of my 3 deadlines at the end of this week.

At 3am I was feeling so sick and so very awake that I couldn't take it any more. I finally caved in and took the pregnancy test. It felt kind of festive. Marolyn did very well to muster enthusiasm at that time in the morning. Waiting and watching the flashing little test symbol was exciting. The answer said 'not pregnant'. We both had to sit in silence for a while taking it in before either of us could decide how we felt.

It could still be to early to tell. But I'm glad I tested. I fell asleep pretty soon after that.

Going from possibly pregnant to probably not pregnant was disappointing but also, surprisingly, a relief. I feel like it will happen when it happens and this month has been such an up and down ride it will be nice to feel a bit more level and in newly familiar territory when we insemminate again next month. So right now I'm enjoying the process. No promises that I'll keep feeling that way.

Marolyn: Oh life is bigger, bigger than you, and you are not me...

2006-10-21T09:55:00.001+13:00

So that is why I will fill you in on me in a blog.
Will you read? I don't know.

I had my first day back at work yesterday, I got there and I was in charge. It was a good and scary feeling. I actually thrive on the responsibility. I think that may be beneficial when I become a Ma (I think I that's what I want to be called. Hey Ma! gimme a bottle! Hey Ma! I got a nappie full of poo! Hey Ma! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!).

I am obsessed with a band called TV on the Radio. My friend Mikel gave me two great CDs of music I've never heard and, as usual I am addicted. All of my obsessive listening over the past year has been New York bands TV, Interpol and Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah. Coincidence? I think so. Maybe they are all very similar.

Now that I have a job, I've been spending money like crazy. I haven't even been paid yet, but that hasn't stopped me from buying copious house cleaning supplies (still preparing for the cat shit cleanup - I should make it into one of those fundraisers like in elementary school. How many piece of poop can I clean up in one day? Get sponsorships for each piece I shovel into my double thick plastic bags.). I also bought a secondhand cabinet for all of my vinyl records. Do I have a record player? no. Buttons. TV on the Radio CD. A subscription and 13 back issues of ReadyMade magazine, answer to everything you need and don't need in your life and... a badge making machine. That's a lot of stuff considering I've only been back in the country for 3 weeks! Maybe I am a trophy wife underneath.

Meanwhile we went to an embroidery night at a cool shop in Newtown owned by Mindy, a woman from San Luis Obispo. She makes a lot of the stuff in the shop herself and she has a really inviting and fun personality. She has kept her American Fire while I feel like I show mine to Ruth, but cover it up in front of others. New Zealand can be kind of reserved. No more though, since I've been back here I've realized that I am me and I shouldn't try to censor my expression because other people are boring.

Today is cleaning day. The Salvation Army is coming to pick up (and drop off) and we are babysitting the neighbors today. I'm looking forward to next Saturday. Yay.

Much love,
Marolyn

Ruth: The Waiting Game

2006-10-19T05:38:00.000+13:00

The euphoria of inseminating has fizzled a bit and doubts are starting to set in. My temperatures have been unusually low. Although this can be explained by waking up at crazy times like 4am, it's still not a good sign.

Work is pretty stressful right now as I'm doing my new job as well as the old one until the new guy starts next week. They've just asked me to go to Christchurch for a conference on Oct 30th as the person who was going to present is on sick leave. It's exciting because my boss is doing a keynote speech that promises to be entertaining and I'll get to catch up with my little bro. The 30th was also our recommended test date so now I get an excuse to test early. We've decided on the 28th so the countdown is on.

I'm taking today off - the first real day to myself I've had since I got back.

Marolyn has been very inspired around the house lately so I'm going to join in with that, do some spring cleaning and take walks on the beach. Flax flowers are just starting to come out, ducklings are about and it's a good day to be in the bay. I'm up early enough to watch the sunrise and I might even spot our 80+ year old neighbour going for a swim.

Ruth: Life is full of fabulous surprises

2006-10-17T20:20:00.000+13:00

Wow, it's great to come home and Marolyn has been a domestic and IT goddess. Dishes done, dinner made and brand new blog up and running.

One day after our first round of inseminating and the feeling is...intoxicating. Yesterday I was so positive I was pregnant. We insemmed for the last time that morning and I'm sure I ovulated soon after. I went to work but my head was swimming and I felt like I really needed to lie down. So I grabbed a contract I needed to read and parked myself on the couch. I swear I felt these mini explosions in my tummy area. I was convinced it was the moment of conception. Then again it could have been gas. My boss lies on the couch all the time but I felt kind of self concious. It felt like too much was going on for me do anything else but lie there.

Today I felt more grounded and a little nauseous. Part of me was like "I feel pregnant already?" but really I'm just tired and at this early stage I won't even have pregnancy hormones.

No matter how this cycle turns out I feel like I've learnt so much from all the massive feelings I had during the insemination time. I'm really grateful I worked through those. We got a lot of support - from our gorgeous neighbours, our families, a wonderful friend who came over and gave us massages and some energy work...not to mention the fabulous donor himself who put up with his least favourite things (intense female emotions) and still delivered in style.

The mercedes we were hoping to buy to convert to vegie oil auctioned for $1000 over our maximum bid. I guess we'll just keep looking. I'm keen to buy soon so we don't lose the momentum we both felt in L.A.

Life feels very exciting and new right now. Insemination is a huge part of that but it's also returning from the States with plans to move there, both getting new opportunities at work, the vegie oil car revolution and the spiritual energy and healing experiences I've had lately. It's like the top has blown off my previous expectations of my life and the possibilities feel infinite.

I was taking a charting test for fertility friend and it was asking about the phases of the menstrual cycle. The correct answer was: menses, follicular, ovulation, luteal. An alternative answer given on the multichoice made me laugh, it said: menses, enthusiasm, optimism, anxiety. I guess I'm firmly in the optimism phase right now and who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Marolyn: Ready for the Adventures Ahead!

2006-10-17T15:20:00.000+13:00

M: It's been a long time coming, but we have sucessfully finished our first round of inseminations! Phew, it was an experience. Hopefully, if we are lucky, we may not have to do it again. Now we wait until the pregnancy test on October 30th . It will be an interesting couple of weeks. I plan on watching a lot of DVDs and improving my handy(wo)man skills.

My list of things to do includes:

* Remove a monumental amount of cat poop from underneath our outside staircase. (Cat poop can be very toxic to unborn babies) I called about 20 cleaning companies yesterday but only got laughed at several times. So it's a stinky job for me.

* Clear the clutter. A small house, big crafting ideas and a love of pretty colours has filled our casa with muchos cosas. The Salvation Army will surely put us on their thank you list this year.

* Go to work. This is a hard one. After being semi-employed since April, I am going back to work full time + starting Oct. 24. I will be managing a prepress/design studio at the printing company I quit in April. You spin me right round, baby. The money will be good, but I will miss the freedom.

* Get a digital camera to keep all of yous updated on the bump to come.

That's all for now, got to get some cleaning done. Much love, Marolyn